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Monthly Archives: April 2012

I Miss Being Crude

Log 53
Sunday, April 29, 2012
9:35 PM

I haven’t been thinking about her lately. I know I haven’t forgotten about her. I just exert too much effort to divert my thoughts whenever she haunts my thoughts. I have gotten good at it to the point that I have deceived myself in believing it is over. Yet, whenever I see her name or whenever I see her post something involving happiness, marriage or relationships, I get affected.

I’m exhausted with all these.

I just want to lose all emotions before I get back to the city. I just want to be free of the shackles that hinder me from flirting and dating and seducing. I just want to be the crude man I was. I miss that. It was easier for me to be happy when I was still crude.

I miss having a dirty mouth.

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Posted by on April 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Dirty Old Man

Log 51
Sunday, April 29, 2012
6:07PM

There is this man whose life on earth has neared three scores. He has had his share of money, booze and lust. How he gets them is no mystery, at least, to the people working around him. With his forked tongue and glittery words, he could talk his way to get any or all of these as much and as often as he wants.

Now this man, as aged as he is, lives like a bachelor. Whether he is married or not is beyond my knowledge. All I know is that he lives alone in a small room he calls his home and has different women come and stay any given number of nights. What happens behind his closed doors is the subject of whispers and nay says that buzz among men and women alike.

I would never have believed any of these murmurs if I had not witnessed it myself.

For the past few nights, a girl who’s not even two and a half decades old has been staying with him. They have shared the room and, as everybody else would assume, the bed as well. This assumption can’t be helped.

This young woman is very attractive. She’s skinny, tall, fair skinned and very pretty. Why she chooses to stay with him is an enigma to me. The mummers, as one would expect, have their own theory though.

I don’t care whether that theory is a fact or a mere speculation. Why I’m affected is because of this looming idea that scares me. What if, the only way for me to have a woman pay attention to me is to flash her with money? Will that make me the same kind of man he is?

I don’t want that. I just don’t want to be him. I only wish to find my own woman to love and care for, my own woman who will love me and care for me.

As cheesy as this may sound, it is a fact.

 
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Posted by on April 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

No One Compares

Log 50
Sunday, April 29, 2012
5:13 PM

I’ve been in Boracay for ten days. I’ve seen a lot of barely clothed bodies of attractive women gleaming under the Summer Sun because of sun screen, sea water, sweat and probably some innate need to be desired. Whenever I walk the beach, these scantily clad women just pass me by left and right. I can’t help but stare at them no matter how rude I would be.

Yet, as much as they stimulate my eyes (and my groin), it seems like I just don’t care. I don’t care how sexually attractive, how scantily clothed or how oily they are. I love looking but I just can’t even think about exerting any kind of effort to get any of these women.

I can’t help but compare them to her. She, the woman who will never see me as a man, has become my ‘benchmark’ for women’s worth. She has set the standards and the standards are difficult to be met. It’s difficult not because she looks like a model (because she doesn’t), but because of who she is.

I know the world has women just like her all over. Yet, I can’t find them. I just can’t seem to figure out where to start looking.

Now I realize how difficult it would be for me to totally get over these feelings I have for her. Because as of now, she is the only person I know who’s just like her.

 
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Posted by on April 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Denial, Anger and Depression

Log 49
Sunday, April 15, 2012
9:16 PM

She’s superficial. I already knew that to be true months ago. That was, perhaps, the reason why I chose to just suppress my emotions without letting her know about it. Yet, my resolve was shaken because of a stupid and twisted love story that rarely ever comes true. Now, I have unwittingly subjected myself to a painful heart break.

Rejection has always been something I’ve endured. It’s something I’ve learned to get used to. For her to tell me that we’re just friends would have been something easy for me to accept. For her to tell me that I’m not her type would have been expected. But for her to even consider losing me as a friend over an admission of something true and pure, that was just heart breaking for me.

I realized how shallow this friendship is. After everything we’ve been through, it would have been easy for her to just distance herself from me. I don’t want to sound bitter but I’ve cried for her. I’ve had my heart broken every time someone broke hers. I’ve sacrificed my time, my sleep, my energy just to be there whenever she needs me. Yet, I was nothing more than an expendable friend whom she could just lose without second thoughts, just because I fell for her.

That’s sad. That’s just sad.

Sure, she has her good points. But how would these good points weigh compared to this simple fact?

Well, I’ve always prayed for her to be happy, to find someone who will give all that she needs. I’ve always prayed for God to give her the answered prayer she’s been waiting for. I never prayed for it to be me, because I knew it could never be me. But I guess my prayer has been wrong all this time.

I just pray that her answered prayer, whoever he should be, exists in this lifetime.

 

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Anti-Climactic

Log 48
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
9:39 AM

There’s no better way to find out about the truth than to ask for it. So that’s what I did yesterday morning and she was more than gracious enough to tell me what her true message was. She gave me a direct and honest reply.

So what was her letter really trying to say? Nothing more than the fact that she wishes we would be lucky in our struggles in life… like the characters in the book. So basically, my interpretation of the whole thing missed a million miles wide. You can’t really blame me for it. If you looked at things from my perspective you’d probably misunderstand her intentions as well.

Well, anyway, I’m not sure if we’re going to end up awkward towards each other or not. But I’ll try to keep this friendship intact. If we can’t then, I’ll figure it out when the situation arises.

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Hunger Games V

Log 47
Sunday, April 08, 2012
10:26 PM

I just finished the trilogy. I have to admit, that’s quite a feat for a slow reader like myself. But that’s not what’s going through my head right now. The end of the book, although I expected it, there’s a part of me that doubts the truth of its implications.

Peeta and Katniss ended up together. Does this mean that she intends us to end up together? Or at least, does it mean that she’s opening a door for me?

This is just so confusing. The last thing I want is to misinterpret her message. If I interpreted this thing wrong, I could end up losing a friend. And that would really suck for me. I endured this long keeping my emotions to myself. The last thing I want is for all my sacrifices and efforts at keeping quiet to go down the drain because of a misunderstanding over an overly analyzed, yet, apparently simple statement.

At this juncture, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do or say. I don’t even know how to react.

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Log 47

Sunday, April 08, 2012

10:26 PM

 

I just finished the trilogy. I have to admit, that’s quite a feat for a slow reader like myself. But that’s not what’s going through my head right now. The end of the book, although I expected it, there’s a part of me that doubts the truth of its implications.

 

Peeta and Katniss ended up together. Does this mean that she intends us to end up together? Or at least, does it mean that she’s opening a door for me?

 

This is just so confusing. The last thing I want is to misinterpret her message. If I interpreted this thing wrong, I could end up losing a friend. And that would really suck for me. I endured this long keeping my emotions to myself. The last thing I want is for all my sacrifices and efforts at keeping quiet to go down the drain because of a misunderstanding over an overly analyzed, yet, apparently simple statement.

 

At this juncture, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do or say. I don’t even know how to react.

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Hunger Games IV

Log 46
Sunday, April 08, 2012
7:33 PM

The more I read on, the more confused and worried I get. The heroine of the story gets troubled a lot with her emotions. She’s torn between the love of and for two friends. But as the story goes, there’s nothing that implies that she’s having any romantic feelings towards any of the two, not even remotely.

All I could get from the book (at least halfway through the third installment) is the fact that how I feel for her is more than obvious. But even if that’s the case, all I am and all I could ever be will nothing be more than a good frined.

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2012 in Uncategorized