October 22, 2012
There have been too many instances when I could have told you how I was feeling. But I just can’t take advantage of those situations because it’s just wrong for me to do so.
You always tell me that your biggest fear is to grow old alone. You tell me that there are times when you think that you might end up being single for the rest of your life. And every time, I reassured you that you won’t. I remember telling you that you will definitely find someone. You are a beautiful person inside and out and it’s close to impossible that you can’t find anyone to grow old with.
You wouldn’t believe me. You accused me that I was saying that only because we were friends. I responded that I was saying that because I knew how beautiful you are, not only as a friend but also as a man.
You asked me where you will find that person. I was tempted to say, ‘In front of you. In front of you is a man who appreciates everything about you. Here’s a guy who doesn’t care how you look when you’re not wearing makeup. This guy doesn’t care if your hair is a mess. He’s someone who will listen to you whenever you have something to talk about, whatever the subject is. This man would love to go places with you. This guy will prioritize you and will always put you first. Here is a guy who adores you more than you could ever imagine. Here is a man who would die to have a chance to make you happy.’ But I stopped myself from saying that. You were in pain and that wasn’t proper.
A few times you told me about the guys you preferred to date. You said that you liked older guys. I almost jumped off my seat to scream that I’m older than you. I wanted to say that I would love to date you. But my heart was filled with fear. I know that even if I was in that age range, I was still not the guy you wanted. I knew the kind of guys you liked and I don’t fit the profile.
Tonight, while we were haning out, there was another opening that I couldn’t take advantage of. While we were talking, you mentioned out of the blue, that we were to have a similar goal for the coming year. That we should each be in a relationship and that we should be married by the end of the year. Well, you wanted me to be married by the end of the year and you wanted to light the candle on my wedding.
I wanted to tell you that it was you I wanted to be in a relationship with. I wanted to tell you that you can’t light the candle on our wedding.
But I couldn’t tell you all these things, not after you tell me that two of your closest friends are giving you hints that they like you. I just can’t be honest with you after you vent out your frustration regarding their advances. I just can’t tell you how I feel right after you implicitly stress that once you consider someone a friend, you would never think about dating him.
If I was an ass, I would have taken advantage of the openings you have given me. But I respect you. I value the friendship that we have. But as much as I value this bond, I just can’t let go of my feelings for you.
I wish that one day, just before you meet your answered prayer, I would have the courage to tell you how I feel. And on that day I pray that I will have the heart to accept you telling me that all I am is a friend.