Disappointing Me

09 May

Log 54
Saturday, May 05, 2012
2:39 PM

Our company is having our Team Building / Company Outing at Talisay, Batangas. For the last two days, I have spent my time with the rest of the employees of Our Group of Companies. Despite the fact that this is a team building event, I feel out of place. It may be due to my lack of effort in reaching out to people or perhaps, I just simply lost my social skills in the course of my freelancing lifestyle these last three years. Or maybe, my ill intent simply overpowers my ability to socialize and befriend the people around me.

Regardless, I’m disappointed both with myself and with this whole event.

For the last three months, I have been noticing this particular person (actually two) walking around the building. I’ve been attracted to these women. They’re not particularly stunning. Yes, they are pretty and cute but never stunning. They just have this something that functions as a beacon that calls to my interests while striking a chord in my… I don’t know… heart?

I really can’t say that since I have no idea who these people are. I don’t even know their names. I don’t know where they live or what they do or which company they are working for. I don’t even know what they do for the company and I have no idea what kind of people they are. All I know is I am drawn towards them.

Then, about three weeks ago, a new nurse was hired by the company. As conceited and arrogant as it may sound, she was never my type. Sure, she is, based on society’s standard, pretty. It’s just that I have a particular type and she doesn’t fit the profile. She does, however, have a certain kind of appeal that will make you notice her even if you don’t want to. I am one of those people affected by that appeal.

Two weeks ago, when we were informed of this company outing, excitement brewed within me. This is when my ill intent started developing within my selfish and twisted mind. I planned to take this opportunity to get to know these women and hopefully, do a Neil Strauss on them. But as fate should have it, I never got to play my game.

It’s very simple, I only had to approach them and start a little conversation. I just had to chat and get to make them feel comfortable and laugh and smile and open up. But I can’t.

I admit part of it is due to my approach anxiety, my approach anxiety that only surfaces when I’m thinking of pursuing someone even before I get to say hi. That approach anxiety that I feel whenever I have ulterior motives.

So, the end game was imminent even before I got to start playing. But this despair led me to observe things about these girls that I have never observed before.

The first girl I’m talking about seems like a lesbian. She walks, talks and acts like a lesbian. She wears girls’ clothes but still looks manlier than me. And she has this fierce stare that’s quite intimidating.
At first, I thought she might be married since none of the Alpha Males in the company would make any moves on her. But then, after the last two days, I’m beginning to think that it might not be the reason why.

Then, about the second girl, she’s really cute. She’s not particularly stunning but I find her attractive. She has soft lady like features that melts me. She’s a simple girl who would move under the radar never calling much attention to her. But as hard as she would try to move discreetly, I still noticed her. I have noticed her for a while now and I have actually been looking forward to getting to know her. I thought that this was my opportunity to do that. Unfortunately, there is always someone around her. And even if there was no one around, I wouldn’t know how to interact with her.

Then, sometime this morning, I saw something that shook my resolve to get to know her. On her ring finger encircles this shiny metallic silver band. I looked at her midsection and it bore no signs of child birth. I’m beginning to question the meaning of that ring. Is that a wedding ring or an engagement ring?

Then, there was the nurse. I had the opportunity to share the same table with her during lunch. But at the same time, the HR Manager was there as well. So, what happened? Nothing!

But my disappointment to myself and this goddamned day didn’t end there.

I, for whatever reason, felt the need to check my Facebook account. Then, I saw “Her” status on my news feeds: “What’s on my mind? I’m thinking of you. Wink!”

I know it’s not about me. I know that she has found someone to keep her mind occupied and to make her happy. I should be happy for her as well. It’s just that I feel jealous of this guy even if I have never met him yet.

Because of this status message, I forgot about these three girls and what I’m planning to do this weekend.

I hate this. I hate this feeling. I hate being in love. I hate being in love with a person who loves someone else.

It sucks!

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Posted by on May 9, 2012 in Uncategorized


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