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Me Being Me Makes Me Happy

Log 55
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
10:24 PM

After a long while, I finally had a happy moment. I spent the last three days with my siblings and three nephews on a three day vacation. It was, as unexpected as it may seem, very refreshing.

My sisters and older brother have been living in different parts of the world for quite some time now. Basically, it’s just my parents and my youngest brother living in the house. It’s quiet and all we ever talk about at home is our family business. It’s not a surprise if everyone looks forward to having the boys stay in the house for vacation. They always bring some life to all of us and make us forget whatever bothers we go through.

That is why when I was told by my boss, who is also my father, that I was to assist them in their tour to Bohol, I was excited. I knew that the kids would be loads of fun. I was right.

So, the last three days, we were at Bohol as we got ourselves exhausted as we discovered new things that have always been there. I got to learn a lot of new things about the people, the place and especially about myself.

Apparently, as much as I have always hated to admit it, the only people I could truly be myself with are my family. The only people who would never measure me, weigh me or judge me are the people I have always been trying to avoid spending time with. I’m not sure if this has always been true or if it just became a fact when we got older. Whatever the reason is though, I really had fun being my true self for once.

I got to laugh, to be loud and be just a part of a group that I love unconditionally again. Not having them around all the time made me realize that they actually are important to me.

Anyway, there’s some good news too. My younger sister is four months pregnant. The way her body’s reacting to the pregnancy (having high levels of testosterone) tells us that it might also be a boy. That would just be awesome. The next time everyone comes home for vacation, it would surely be chaotic at my Mom’s house.

I guess I’ll need to find my own place and get out of there before that one event happens and the place becomes a warzone of hyper active kids and spoiled babies.

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Posted by on May 9, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Disappointing Me

Log 54
Saturday, May 05, 2012
2:39 PM

Our company is having our Team Building / Company Outing at Talisay, Batangas. For the last two days, I have spent my time with the rest of the employees of Our Group of Companies. Despite the fact that this is a team building event, I feel out of place. It may be due to my lack of effort in reaching out to people or perhaps, I just simply lost my social skills in the course of my freelancing lifestyle these last three years. Or maybe, my ill intent simply overpowers my ability to socialize and befriend the people around me.

Regardless, I’m disappointed both with myself and with this whole event.

For the last three months, I have been noticing this particular person (actually two) walking around the building. I’ve been attracted to these women. They’re not particularly stunning. Yes, they are pretty and cute but never stunning. They just have this something that functions as a beacon that calls to my interests while striking a chord in my… I don’t know… heart?

I really can’t say that since I have no idea who these people are. I don’t even know their names. I don’t know where they live or what they do or which company they are working for. I don’t even know what they do for the company and I have no idea what kind of people they are. All I know is I am drawn towards them.

Then, about three weeks ago, a new nurse was hired by the company. As conceited and arrogant as it may sound, she was never my type. Sure, she is, based on society’s standard, pretty. It’s just that I have a particular type and she doesn’t fit the profile. She does, however, have a certain kind of appeal that will make you notice her even if you don’t want to. I am one of those people affected by that appeal.

Two weeks ago, when we were informed of this company outing, excitement brewed within me. This is when my ill intent started developing within my selfish and twisted mind. I planned to take this opportunity to get to know these women and hopefully, do a Neil Strauss on them. But as fate should have it, I never got to play my game.

It’s very simple, I only had to approach them and start a little conversation. I just had to chat and get to make them feel comfortable and laugh and smile and open up. But I can’t.

I admit part of it is due to my approach anxiety, my approach anxiety that only surfaces when I’m thinking of pursuing someone even before I get to say hi. That approach anxiety that I feel whenever I have ulterior motives.

So, the end game was imminent even before I got to start playing. But this despair led me to observe things about these girls that I have never observed before.

The first girl I’m talking about seems like a lesbian. She walks, talks and acts like a lesbian. She wears girls’ clothes but still looks manlier than me. And she has this fierce stare that’s quite intimidating.
At first, I thought she might be married since none of the Alpha Males in the company would make any moves on her. But then, after the last two days, I’m beginning to think that it might not be the reason why.

Then, about the second girl, she’s really cute. She’s not particularly stunning but I find her attractive. She has soft lady like features that melts me. She’s a simple girl who would move under the radar never calling much attention to her. But as hard as she would try to move discreetly, I still noticed her. I have noticed her for a while now and I have actually been looking forward to getting to know her. I thought that this was my opportunity to do that. Unfortunately, there is always someone around her. And even if there was no one around, I wouldn’t know how to interact with her.

Then, sometime this morning, I saw something that shook my resolve to get to know her. On her ring finger encircles this shiny metallic silver band. I looked at her midsection and it bore no signs of child birth. I’m beginning to question the meaning of that ring. Is that a wedding ring or an engagement ring?

Then, there was the nurse. I had the opportunity to share the same table with her during lunch. But at the same time, the HR Manager was there as well. So, what happened? Nothing!

But my disappointment to myself and this goddamned day didn’t end there.

I, for whatever reason, felt the need to check my Facebook account. Then, I saw “Her” status on my news feeds: “What’s on my mind? I’m thinking of you. Wink!”

I know it’s not about me. I know that she has found someone to keep her mind occupied and to make her happy. I should be happy for her as well. It’s just that I feel jealous of this guy even if I have never met him yet.

Because of this status message, I forgot about these three girls and what I’m planning to do this weekend.

I hate this. I hate this feeling. I hate being in love. I hate being in love with a person who loves someone else.

It sucks!

 
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Posted by on May 9, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

I Miss Being Crude

Log 53
Sunday, April 29, 2012
9:35 PM

I haven’t been thinking about her lately. I know I haven’t forgotten about her. I just exert too much effort to divert my thoughts whenever she haunts my thoughts. I have gotten good at it to the point that I have deceived myself in believing it is over. Yet, whenever I see her name or whenever I see her post something involving happiness, marriage or relationships, I get affected.

I’m exhausted with all these.

I just want to lose all emotions before I get back to the city. I just want to be free of the shackles that hinder me from flirting and dating and seducing. I just want to be the crude man I was. I miss that. It was easier for me to be happy when I was still crude.

I miss having a dirty mouth.

 
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Posted by on April 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Dirty Old Man

Log 51
Sunday, April 29, 2012
6:07PM

There is this man whose life on earth has neared three scores. He has had his share of money, booze and lust. How he gets them is no mystery, at least, to the people working around him. With his forked tongue and glittery words, he could talk his way to get any or all of these as much and as often as he wants.

Now this man, as aged as he is, lives like a bachelor. Whether he is married or not is beyond my knowledge. All I know is that he lives alone in a small room he calls his home and has different women come and stay any given number of nights. What happens behind his closed doors is the subject of whispers and nay says that buzz among men and women alike.

I would never have believed any of these murmurs if I had not witnessed it myself.

For the past few nights, a girl who’s not even two and a half decades old has been staying with him. They have shared the room and, as everybody else would assume, the bed as well. This assumption can’t be helped.

This young woman is very attractive. She’s skinny, tall, fair skinned and very pretty. Why she chooses to stay with him is an enigma to me. The mummers, as one would expect, have their own theory though.

I don’t care whether that theory is a fact or a mere speculation. Why I’m affected is because of this looming idea that scares me. What if, the only way for me to have a woman pay attention to me is to flash her with money? Will that make me the same kind of man he is?

I don’t want that. I just don’t want to be him. I only wish to find my own woman to love and care for, my own woman who will love me and care for me.

As cheesy as this may sound, it is a fact.

 
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Posted by on April 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

No One Compares

Log 50
Sunday, April 29, 2012
5:13 PM

I’ve been in Boracay for ten days. I’ve seen a lot of barely clothed bodies of attractive women gleaming under the Summer Sun because of sun screen, sea water, sweat and probably some innate need to be desired. Whenever I walk the beach, these scantily clad women just pass me by left and right. I can’t help but stare at them no matter how rude I would be.

Yet, as much as they stimulate my eyes (and my groin), it seems like I just don’t care. I don’t care how sexually attractive, how scantily clothed or how oily they are. I love looking but I just can’t even think about exerting any kind of effort to get any of these women.

I can’t help but compare them to her. She, the woman who will never see me as a man, has become my ‘benchmark’ for women’s worth. She has set the standards and the standards are difficult to be met. It’s difficult not because she looks like a model (because she doesn’t), but because of who she is.

I know the world has women just like her all over. Yet, I can’t find them. I just can’t seem to figure out where to start looking.

Now I realize how difficult it would be for me to totally get over these feelings I have for her. Because as of now, she is the only person I know who’s just like her.

 
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Posted by on April 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Denial, Anger and Depression

Log 49
Sunday, April 15, 2012
9:16 PM

She’s superficial. I already knew that to be true months ago. That was, perhaps, the reason why I chose to just suppress my emotions without letting her know about it. Yet, my resolve was shaken because of a stupid and twisted love story that rarely ever comes true. Now, I have unwittingly subjected myself to a painful heart break.

Rejection has always been something I’ve endured. It’s something I’ve learned to get used to. For her to tell me that we’re just friends would have been something easy for me to accept. For her to tell me that I’m not her type would have been expected. But for her to even consider losing me as a friend over an admission of something true and pure, that was just heart breaking for me.

I realized how shallow this friendship is. After everything we’ve been through, it would have been easy for her to just distance herself from me. I don’t want to sound bitter but I’ve cried for her. I’ve had my heart broken every time someone broke hers. I’ve sacrificed my time, my sleep, my energy just to be there whenever she needs me. Yet, I was nothing more than an expendable friend whom she could just lose without second thoughts, just because I fell for her.

That’s sad. That’s just sad.

Sure, she has her good points. But how would these good points weigh compared to this simple fact?

Well, I’ve always prayed for her to be happy, to find someone who will give all that she needs. I’ve always prayed for God to give her the answered prayer she’s been waiting for. I never prayed for it to be me, because I knew it could never be me. But I guess my prayer has been wrong all this time.

I just pray that her answered prayer, whoever he should be, exists in this lifetime.

 

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Anti-Climactic

Log 48
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
9:39 AM

There’s no better way to find out about the truth than to ask for it. So that’s what I did yesterday morning and she was more than gracious enough to tell me what her true message was. She gave me a direct and honest reply.

So what was her letter really trying to say? Nothing more than the fact that she wishes we would be lucky in our struggles in life… like the characters in the book. So basically, my interpretation of the whole thing missed a million miles wide. You can’t really blame me for it. If you looked at things from my perspective you’d probably misunderstand her intentions as well.

Well, anyway, I’m not sure if we’re going to end up awkward towards each other or not. But I’ll try to keep this friendship intact. If we can’t then, I’ll figure it out when the situation arises.

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2012 in Uncategorized