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Hunger Games V

Log 47
Sunday, April 08, 2012
10:26 PM

I just finished the trilogy. I have to admit, that’s quite a feat for a slow reader like myself. But that’s not what’s going through my head right now. The end of the book, although I expected it, there’s a part of me that doubts the truth of its implications.

Peeta and Katniss ended up together. Does this mean that she intends us to end up together? Or at least, does it mean that she’s opening a door for me?

This is just so confusing. The last thing I want is to misinterpret her message. If I interpreted this thing wrong, I could end up losing a friend. And that would really suck for me. I endured this long keeping my emotions to myself. The last thing I want is for all my sacrifices and efforts at keeping quiet to go down the drain because of a misunderstanding over an overly analyzed, yet, apparently simple statement.

At this juncture, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do or say. I don’t even know how to react.

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Log 47

Sunday, April 08, 2012

10:26 PM

 

I just finished the trilogy. I have to admit, that’s quite a feat for a slow reader like myself. But that’s not what’s going through my head right now. The end of the book, although I expected it, there’s a part of me that doubts the truth of its implications.

 

Peeta and Katniss ended up together. Does this mean that she intends us to end up together? Or at least, does it mean that she’s opening a door for me?

 

This is just so confusing. The last thing I want is to misinterpret her message. If I interpreted this thing wrong, I could end up losing a friend. And that would really suck for me. I endured this long keeping my emotions to myself. The last thing I want is for all my sacrifices and efforts at keeping quiet to go down the drain because of a misunderstanding over an overly analyzed, yet, apparently simple statement.

 

At this juncture, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do or say. I don’t even know how to react.

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Posted by on April 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Hunger Games IV

Log 46
Sunday, April 08, 2012
7:33 PM

The more I read on, the more confused and worried I get. The heroine of the story gets troubled a lot with her emotions. She’s torn between the love of and for two friends. But as the story goes, there’s nothing that implies that she’s having any romantic feelings towards any of the two, not even remotely.

All I could get from the book (at least halfway through the third installment) is the fact that how I feel for her is more than obvious. But even if that’s the case, all I am and all I could ever be will nothing be more than a good frined.

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Hunger Games III

Log 45
Saturday, April 07, 2012
10:30 PM

Images of things that will never be flash through my idle mind as I sit here looking into nothingness, sipping my Chai Tea latte, puffing a pack and a half of cigarettes and holding the third installment of ‘The Hunger Games’. I can’t bring myself to open the book for two good reasons. First, I’ve just finished reading the first two installments in four days, making my temples throb. I’ve never finished one book this quick prior to this. Second, I can’t bear to find out what happens in the end. I have this looming feeling that I’ll end up heartbroken.

It’s nonsensical. I know. To fear that a book will cause pangs in my heart just sounds comical. It has happened before though.

Anyway, I know there’s no sense in prolonging my dread of finding out how the story ends. This is where I’m supposed to base my reply on. Right? I’m guessing this last book will tell me whether I’m to weep or not. I’ll have to get this over with as soon as I can, say what is needed to be said and move on with my life.

But before I do that, I’ll let myself wallow in hoplessly romantic daydreams that, I feel, will have to end as I turn the last page of this book.

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Hunger Games II

Log  44
Saturday, April 07, 2012
6:21 PM

After reading a book and a half of the trilogy, I feel somewhat depressed. I can associate myself with Peeta so much that an unbearable weight has started to press down on my chest. I can’t articulate it that well but I feel guilty.

I’ve always known how much she hates the idea of a friend, especially the close ones, falling for her. She has made that clear to me more times than necessary. Yet, I chose to let my emotions get the better of me. I let go of all senses and allow myself to fall for her. But I never would tell her explicitly… even if I wanted to.

The trilogy allows me to see her side of the situation. How guilty she must feel whenever I throw in subtle hints of my attraction and affection. I never realized how selfish I am at doing something like this. Yes, I could easily make it look like I’m doing it as her friend who only wants the best for her. But apparently, my feelings are too obvious that she must feel like hell.

I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do now. I just have to keep reading and try to understand what she’s really trying to say.

The scary part of this whole thing is the idea that I might be over analyzing things.

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Hunger Games

Log 43
Thursday, April 5, 2012
10:45 PM

I’m confused. I want to say I get it but I just can’t. It’s difficult for me to believe that my interpretation of the message to be true. Why sould she ask me to read the books first? Why would she say that she really wanted to get me the books? Why would she say I’ll understand the message after reading them? What does it really mean?

I have only finished the first book and it’s already pushing me to formulate assumptions I refuse to accept. The first book ended with a friend falling for the heroine and the heroine being confused about being in love with a long time friend who has been there for her long before the ‘Hunger Games’ and a partner who professed his hidden feelings for her during the games.

The moment I’ve opened the book the first time until I closed it for the last, I’ve had this impression that she already knows that I’m in love with her. Well, it’s obvious in a way.

But what I don’t get is that in certain parts of the story, there are instances when the heroine gets confused about her feelings for her friend. Does this mean she’s confused as well? Does it mean that somewhere in her, she is considering opening a door for me? Has she ever thought of the possibility of me and her being together?

The end of the first book didn’t end too well. Her emotions were conflicted as she was presented with a diffult choice between two friends. How does her message fit in with the story?

What does she really want to say? Why can’t she just say it straight? I don’t mind being just her friend. But getting a cryptic message like this just messes me up.

I’m not even sure if what she’s really trying to do is to say her farewells. It does sound like a farewell to me.

What the hell?

 

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Openings I Can’t Take Advantage Of

October 22, 2012
11:23PM

There have been too many instances when I could have told you how I was feeling. But I just can’t take advantage of those situations because it’s just wrong for me to do so.

You always tell me that your biggest fear is to grow old alone. You tell me that there are times when you think that you might end up being single for the rest of your life. And every time, I reassured you that you won’t. I remember telling you that you will definitely find someone. You are a beautiful person inside and out and it’s close to impossible that you can’t find anyone to grow old with.

You wouldn’t believe me. You accused me that I was saying that only because we were friends. I responded that I was saying that because I knew how beautiful you are, not only as a friend but also as a man.

You asked me where you will find that person. I was tempted to say, ‘In front of you. In front of you is a man who appreciates everything about you. Here’s a guy who doesn’t care how you look when you’re not wearing makeup. This guy doesn’t care if your hair is a mess. He’s someone who will listen to you whenever you have something to talk about, whatever the subject is. This man would love to go places with you. This guy will prioritize you and will always put you first. Here is a guy who adores you more than you could ever imagine. Here is a man who would die to have a chance to make you happy.’ But I stopped myself from saying that. You were in pain and that wasn’t proper.

A few times you told me about the guys you preferred to date. You said that you liked older guys. I almost jumped off my seat to scream that I’m older than you. I wanted to say that I would love to date you. But my heart was filled with fear. I know that even if I was in that age range, I was still not the guy you wanted. I knew the kind of guys you liked and I don’t fit the profile.

Tonight, while we were haning out, there was another opening that I couldn’t take advantage of. While we were talking, you mentioned out of the blue, that we were to have a similar goal for the coming year. That we should each be in a relationship and that we should be married by the end of the year. Well, you wanted me to be married by the end of the year and you wanted to light the candle on my wedding.

I wanted to tell you that it was you I wanted to be in a relationship with. I wanted to tell you that you can’t light the candle on our wedding.

But I couldn’t tell you all these things, not after you tell me that two of your closest friends are giving you hints that they like you. I just can’t be honest with you after you vent out your frustration regarding their advances. I just can’t tell you how I feel right after you implicitly stress that once you consider someone a friend, you would never think about dating him.

If I was an ass, I would have taken advantage of the openings you have given me. But I respect you. I value the friendship that we have. But as much as I value this bond, I just can’t let go of my feelings for you.

I wish that one day, just before you meet your answered prayer, I would have the courage to tell you how I feel. And on that day I pray that I will have the heart to accept you telling me that all I am is a friend.

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Accounts of Pains Untold

October 14, 2012
10:04PM

She tells you it hurts. She tells you it’s painful. She tells you it’s unfair. She cries on your shoulder pleading for you to help her take the pain away. She can’t bear it and it’s killing her. She’ll tell you what he did and how he didn’t appreciate her, that he was a jerk and that she didn’t deserve to be treated the way he did.

She’s right.

She didn’t deserve what he did to her. She’s worth more than whatever lack of value he gave her. She didn’t receive the appreciation that is due her. And it’s all unfair. It’s all unfair from every possible perspective… except his and every other jerk who took advantage of her good nature.

Here’s a girl who is beautiful in every aspect of the word. She’s very attractive, smart, cultured, fashionable, elegant, and as hot as she is, she’s very down to earth. Yes, she may be conceited at times but you really can’t take it seriously. Not when she shows it in a gleeful manner that makes it sound more like a joke and a subtle way of seeking approval than arrogance or vanity. Sure, there are times when you could sense a bit of vanity in her, but who isn’t vain anyway? She’s never a narcissist. I just can’t see her that way. I see it more of her way with coping with her insecurities. She has a lot of them.

She may not have the prettiest smile on the planet but it’s cute nonetheless. It’s enough to make me feel giggly inside, as old as I already am. I’m not sure how well I’ve been hiding it but to be honest, that smile can make me melt. My heart has been frozen and hardened through countless times of pain and hurt. Yet, it softens whenever I see those little white ivories under her puffy lips especially if it’s because of something I did or said. Because whenever I make them come out, it makes me feel like I’m doing something right, like I’m doing the world a huge favor.

I’ve only known her for a few months. Yes, I admit that during these few months, I looked at her with biased eyes searching only for what was good in her. I may have noticed a few flaws but these flaws are nothing compared to her incredible merits. It’s easier for any person to love her and fall in love with her than hurt her. That is why I am baffled with the fact that there are jerks who would choose to cause her pain instead.

For the past few months, I have heard accounts of her tragedies. I’ve listened to her stories. I’ve empathized with her as she tells me about how these pricks, dicks and douche bags played with her trust, her emotions and her self-esteem.  She told me about how offended she got with a guy who spread false rumors about her. I’ve seen how a guy, who’s in a relationship with another woman, played her and made her fall for him… on her birthday! And I’ve seen her on her lowest point just after a guy she adores so much took from her everything she was willing to give just to dump her like a piece of trash.

I just don’t understand how these jerks could take advantage of someone as beautiful, as innocent and as pure as her. It’s as if they didn’t even take the time to look at her, see her for who she is and realize that they are privileged to have been wanted, if not loved, by someone like her. As cliché as it sounds, they make me want to say, ‘Sana ako na lang’.

If I were in their shoes, I’d do anything for her. I’d make sure that she’d never lose her smile; she’d never cry or get hurt. I would make her feel appreciated the way she deserves to be. I will give her everything I can and then some. I will treat her like the princess that she is.

But it can never be me. I can never be the guy to show and give her what will make her happy. I can never be the guy to lift her veil and kiss her on her Wedding Day or any other day. I’m just a friend to her and that will always be the case. I’ll always be the friend who will listen to her when she’s down and broken and in tears. I’ll always be just the guy who will help her get up, forget the pain and remind her how fun it is to smile and laugh and to be around good friends. I’ll always be just the guy standing in the background wishing for her to be happy while accepting the fact that it can never come from me.

 
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Posted by on April 22, 2012 in Uncategorized